How to ruin an apology with an excuse

Being a person who routinely plans ahead for things, I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize.

Granted, I have not done or said anything patently offensive to any demographic, large or small—and please forgive the size references, no offense intended—but in light of today’s super-sensitive climate it’s just a matter of time, so I’d like to apologize now and be done with it. That is, unless you are offended by me being proactive and in that case I am sorry that you are offended.

If at any time, in any way, I have made or do make comments that offend, or might possibly offend you, your friends, your family, your co-workers, your pets, the guy who sold you your car, the person who styles your hair or the sales clerk who said you look good in graphic print leggings, then for that I apologize.

That said, if I make comments and you are not offended, why don’t we get together for a drink? I’m sorry, that could be offensive. What I meant to say was, why don’t we share a bag of kale chips?

Please know that my behavior can be erratic due to hunger, sleep deprivation or a barrage of the latest headlines. While I would never try to excuse my behavior, let me just say that mistakes can be made, timelines can be off, communication can fail, files can be lost and emails can be deleted. If somehow through my actions you are offended, your job placed in jeopardy or your reputation besmirched and you think I was responsible, then for that I am sorry. If not, then we’re good, right?

The important thing is that we learn from the past as we look forward to the future. Why not put any and all potential misunderstanding behind us right now by holding hands and sharing a moment that hopefully will lead to a group hug. That’s right, lean in.

No, don’t. I apologize to those of you who found that suggestive.

Don’t lean in; stay where you are. Step back. A little farther, please. Thank you.

I apologize to those of you who have been hurt by what you now sense to be a certain distance I have put between us.

Please allow me to acknowledge fault where acknowledging fault would be appropriate. Know that as I acknowledge fault where acknowledging fault is appropriate, I will take full and complete responsibility for my actions by throwing my chief of whatever under the bus and immediately firing my PR team. As you can tell by my sincerity—and the tear in my left eye—there is absolutely no need for litigation.

While I can neither confirm nor deny anything, I speak from the heart when I say if you were hurt due to having a bad day, being keenly self-absorbed or suffering from a social media-induced narcissism and believing the world revolves around you and your quirks and predilections, then for that I am sorry.

Truly, truly sorry.