http://www.loriborgman.com Weekly article from Lori Borgman. Updates every Monday. lori@loriborgman.com en-us (c) Copyright 2009-2010, Lori Borgman ProWebSites.net http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 26, 2010 Monday, July 26, 2010 An expectant mother can now purchase a belly mold kit, make a casting of her tummy during pregnancy, and turn it into wall art for a special keepsake. Personally, if I wanted a reminder of what I looked like during pregnancy, I'd hang a picture of a giant pear on the wall. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 19, 2010 Monday, July 19, 2010 The husband has really done it now. The man has lost 15 pounds in four weeks. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 12, 2010 Monday, July 12, 2010 The husband and I were watching a Reds and Mets ball game, flipping channels at commercials, and found ourselves pulled into the “first ever sit-down interview” since last season’s Bachelor and his fiancé broke up in the tabloids. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 05, 2010 Monday, July 05, 2010 The way Tom Sawyer weaseled his way out of whitewashing Aunt Polly’s fence was pure genius. My admiration for the kid grows every time we have to paint our fence. That would be the white picket fence that was so charming when we bought this house years ago and had no idea what lower back pain maintaining charm would require. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 28, 2010 Monday, June 28, 2010 Having realized the key to getting an appointment with my doctor is to pre-plan my illnesses and injuries six weeks in advance, I have switched doctors. I now doctor with Dr. Nancy Snyderman on the NBC Today Show. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 21, 2010 Monday, June 21, 2010 I have long thought there should be an awards show for thunder. Last week was validation. It was a small storm that rolled into town, but the thunder was outstanding. It jolted the bed, rattled the windows and shook three pictures on the wall into perfect horizontal alignment. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 14, 2010 Monday, June 14, 2010 My mother came from a brood of seven which included younger sisters, Jean and Joyce, who were identical twins. She once used them for a 4-H project. She demonstrated a shampoo and set on one and the comb-out on the other. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 07, 2010 Monday, June 07, 2010 Some of the best boating the husband and I ever did was with an experienced friend and river guide in a McKenzie River drift boat. It was 30 years ago. We were young, idealistic, newly married DINKs – double-income-no-kids. Life was cotton candy clouds and deep blue skies. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 31, 2010 Monday, May 31, 2010 For the first time in my life, I fantasized about stealing a car. I didn’t plan on taking it far. Hopefully the officers would note that in the comments section of the police report when they arrested me. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 24, 2010 Monday, May 24, 2010 What do you say to graduates entering the worst economy in decades? Your perfect job is out there – it’s just hiding in Witness Protection Program? http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 17, 2010 Monday, May 17, 2010 The only thing worse than having your life flash before you, is having your life flash before you stuck in a bridesmaid’s dress. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 10, 2010 Monday, May 10, 2010 Talk about extremes -- one of our married children lives in Chicago and the other lives in a small town of 1,500 in Oklahoma. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 03, 2010 Monday, May 03, 2010 You know times have changed when C-SPAN needs to bleep a broadcast for language. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Apr 26, 2010 Monday, Apr 26, 2010 We used to watch the news to learn the news, but now it seems we watch the news to watch the anchors. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Apr 19, 2010 Monday, Apr 19, 2010 I suddenly have an irresistible urge to garden this year. Maybe it’s because of the jaunty red and yellow tulips just outside the window. Maybe it is the need to feel my hands in the rich black dirt. Maybe it is because friends just found $200 in their garden. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Apr 12, 2010 Monday, Apr 12, 2010 Car seats for babies now come with drink cup holders. I mention this to the husband and he says the kids should hold out for car seats that come with built-ins for remote controls as well. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Apr 05, 2010 Monday, Apr 05, 2010 Nothing is what it seems in the world of appliances. When our washing machine went kaput, I went shopping for a new one and asked for a brand name -- you know, the one with the lonely repairman who never has any work and waits for women to call. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 29, 2010 Monday, Mar 29, 2010 Stories of sacrifice command our attention. When we read about heroics, we are both inspired and uncomfortable. The selflessness amazes us, yet the unanswered question nags us – would we do the same? http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 22, 2010 Monday, Mar 22, 2010 I recently received an article on soul gazing, a getting-in-touch-with-your-feelings type exercise that involves holding perfectly still and looking deep into the eyes of another person for several minutes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 15, 2010 Monday, Mar 15, 2010 We knew this day would come eventually – the day our bodies turned on us. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 08, 2010 Monday, Mar 08, 2010 We are not so naïve that we don’t realize we may be biased when it comes to our grandbaby. Although, we do believe everyone in the world would agree she is the most beautiful, brilliant, marvelous, delightful baby ever born. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 01, 2010 Monday, Mar 01, 2010 Women have been known to bare their souls at the grocery store. Which is why I wasn’t surprised when the woman next to me at the apple display said that her granddaughter had injured her ankle. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 22, 2010 Monday, Feb 22, 2010 It took an elbow to my head at 3 a.m. to realize we must be the last couple in the country still sleeping in a double bed. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 15, 2010 Monday, Feb 15, 2010 A woman who lost 60 pounds, without joining a weight loss program or a gym, was on a television show and said the secret to her success was in her pocket. She whipped out a library card. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 08, 2010 Monday, Feb 08, 2010 The husband and I have been invited to be mentors for newly engaged couples. This would involve getting together with couples and talking about marriage and communication. We think it would be a fine thing to do because we find that talking about marriage is always so much easier than actually doing marriage. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 01, 2010 Monday, Feb 01, 2010 Reduce, reuse and recycle has become the Eleventh Commandment. But try finding a refill for a ballpoint pen. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 25, 2010 Monday, Jan 25, 2010 You think it will never happen in your family. You think it only happens to other people, and then you find out that someone you gave birth to has purchased a Snuggie. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 18, 2010 Monday, Jan 18, 2010 Since the President’s State of the Union Address is around the corner, this is a good time to go over the rules on name calling. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 11, 2010 Monday, Jan 11, 2010 You’re not going to believe this one: We were out to dinner seated at a table adjacent to a family of five and not a one of them was working a Blackberry, e-mailing or texting. And they didn’t have ear buds jammed in their ears. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 04, 2010 Monday, Jan 04, 2010 I mentioned to one of the kids that we were thinking of replacing a photograph that has been hanging on the wall for years and she went into shock. “You can’t get rid of that picture of the old man,” she shrieked. “He’s been there so long he’s part of the family.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 28, 2009 Monday, Dec 28, 2009 Frank Sinatra may have crooned, “It was a very good year,” but Sinatra didn’t live through 2009. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 21, 2009 Monday, Dec 21, 2009 Most everybody has a favorite Christmas memory from childhood. The nice thing about memories is that they are easily accessible. All you have to do is close your eyes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 14, 2009 Monday, Dec 14, 2009 For those monitoring the War on Christmas, there is now a scorecard. The Stand Up For Christmas website lets shoppers rate retailers as to whether they are Christmas friendly, Christmas negligent or Christmas offensive. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 07, 2009 Monday, Dec 07, 2009 The youngest called to say she was going to an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party and asked if I had something she could borrow. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 30, 2009 Monday, Nov 30, 2009 When new federal guidelines were issued declaring that women of a certain age no longer need an annual mammogram, I immediately picked up the phone and scheduled one. There’s nothing like a government panel telling you that you shouldn’t do something to know that you should. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 23, 2009 Monday, Nov 23, 2009 One of my father’s favorite lines was, “We have a lot to be grateful for.” He wasn’t the only one in his family who punctuated sentences with thanksgiving. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 16, 2009 Monday, Nov 16, 2009 The problem with this season’s fashions is that you don’t know whether to wear them or eat them. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 09, 2009 Monday, Nov 09, 2009 You would think that when you are middle aged you could go to the mall without being chased. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 02, 2009 Monday, Nov 02, 2009 A friend dropped off a copy of the Ellsworth American, a weekly from Down East Maine. The American still prints small town social news such as the following: “This is the last weekend for dinner at Fisherman’s Inn. Bring your friends for their Thai mussels and nearly famous lobster bisque.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 26, 2009 Monday, Oct 26, 2009 Realtors advise home owners that it helps to sell a house if you can make it look like you don’t actually live in the house. Well, at least not too much. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 19, 2009 Monday, Oct 19, 2009 In my bulging file folder marked marriage and family, is a tidbit on a 60 Minutes show from 1999. It was a segment on an overpopulation of elephants on an African game preserve. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 12, 2009 Monday, Oct 12, 2009 Like most marriages, the husband and I have a relationship built on accommodating our polar opposite traits. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 05, 2009 Monday, Oct 05, 2009 The stimulus plan isn’t going well. I’ve had two cups of caffeine already and still nothing. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 28, 2009 Monday, Sept 28, 2009 One of the kids was sick recently, so now I am two sneezes and one sticky grocery cart away from being a full-fledged germaphobe. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 21, 2009 Monday, Sept 21, 2009 A United Kingdom poll found that women spend one year of their lives deciding what clothes to wear, 15 minutes a week chatting with friends on the phone about clothes and 16 minutes a week talking to their male partners about clothes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 14, 2009 Monday, Sept 14, 2009 I bought a new bicycle that I can lift as high as my head. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 07, 2009 Monday, Sept 07, 2009 My nephew is getting a birthday card with penguin on it that says “Gotta Dance, Gotta Sing, Gotta Do that Party Thing!” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 31, 2009 Monday, Aug 31, 2009 The husband and his sister recently hosted the first family reunion on their father’s side in nearly 40 years. There were first cousins once removed, second cousins twice removed and several cousins five times moved. With all the moving and removing, there were a number of cousins whom we were meeting for the first time. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 24, 2009 Monday, Aug 24, 2009 The way the husband is forever telling me to pace myself, you’d think I was a race horse. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 17, 2009 Monday, Aug 17, 2009 The fixation with the tomato plant makes sense now. Our daughter whose husband is serving in Iraq has been reporting to us regularly since the day she tucked it into the ground. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 10, 2009 Monday, Aug 10, 2009 They call it Shakespeare on the Porch. I’ve been attending on Friday mornings whenever I can this summer. Talk about falling in with the wrong crowd. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 03, 2009 Monday, Aug 03, 2009 It’s been a bad week for backyard cookouts and anyone who enjoys food in general. First the food police put a bounty on hot dogs. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 27, 2009 Monday, July 27, 2009 My dad’s Ford Explorer with suede and leather trim is mine now. My brother nudged me to take it when Dad died last year. It was the most wonderful nudge I’ve ever had in my life. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 20, 2009 Monday, July 20, 2009 The only thing harder than keeping a job these days is to lose one straight up. People are getting fired, cut and canned, but businesses can’t bring themselves to say so. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 13, 2009 Monday, July 13, 2009 When you think of Las Vegas, you think of casinos, blackjack tables, slot machines, floor shows and Wayne Newton. And ping pong. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 06, 2009 Monday, July 06, 2009 For years our family vacations have come closer to resembling hostage-taking events than relaxing getaways. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 29, 2009 Monday, June 29, 2009 Since we’ll be commemorating the anniversary of the Declaration of Independence this week, it seems a fitting time to update you Founders on a few things that have happened since you began this nation. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 22, 2009 Monday, June 22, 2009 I was certain my father-in-law would make it onto the Today Show with Willard Scott and the Smucker's jam jar. I was wrong. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 15, 2009 Monday, June 15, 2009 In recent years, the most coveted object of desire on the husband’s side of the family has been a trophy featuring a donkey standing on a base inscribed with the word Scrabble. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 08, 2009 Monday, June 08, 2009 The gym I go to is trying to do me in. They took away the Food Network. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 01, 2009 Monday, June 01, 2009 There is an inverse ratio between the size of a baby and the amount of gear it needs to travel. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 25, 2009 Monday, May 25, 2009 We haven’t given insects near the credit they deserve. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 18, 2009 Monday, May 18, 2009 On a sunny day in May, Confederate commander J.E. B. Stuart sits on horseback against a deep blue sky with billowing white clouds. His horse has a front leg reared in mid-air poised to gallop. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 11, 2009 Monday, May 11, 2009 Last week, commercials showed a tearful Elizabeth Edwards on a talk show confessing details of the most intimate and painful relationship in her life. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 04, 2009 Monday, May 04, 2009 A journalist named Amy Sutherland spent a year observing trainers who work with exotic animals and wondered if she could apply the same training principles to her husband. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 27, 2009 Monday, April 27, 2009 I went green (as in greenbacks) last month. I put away the credit cards, operated on a cash-only basis and hung out with the guys – Washington, Lincoln and Jackson. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 20, 2009 Monday, April 20, 2009 I always wondered if I’d become as crazy as other women do when they become grandmothers. You know, the grandma charm bracelets, the 8x10 sitting on the dashboard, the billboard in the front yard. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 13, 2009 Monday, April 13, 2009 Henry David Thoreau said he could not preserve his health and spirits unless he spent at least four hours a day walking. I’m guessing he had to give up his day job. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 06, 2009 Monday, April 06, 2009 We have turned being offended into a national pastime. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 30, 2009 Monday, March 30, 2009 I am unloading groceries and pause to clutch what may be the last guilty pleasure on Earth: a box of reclosable plastic bags. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 23, 2009 Monday, March 23, 2009 A journalism student asked to shadow me for a day at my home office to see what it is like to be a columnist. I told her it was in her best interest not to. “Fifteen is too young to die and watching me work all day could kill you.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 16, 2009 Monday, March 16, 2009 There were three things we didn’t let our kids say when they were growing up: hate, shut up and bored. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 09, 2009 Monday, March 09, 2009 You think nobody sees those dust bunnies under that bed? You think you can just huff and puff and blow the dust off those mini-blinds? Trust me, you’re not fooling anybody with those scented candles. Cinnamon spice, my Swiffer. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 02, 2009 Monday, March 02, 2009 I had seven e-mails from an older gentleman who is the president of a highly respected non-profit asking me to become his friend on Facebook. It was so unnerving I joined Facebook just to make the e-mails stop. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, February 23, 2009 Monday, February 23, 2009 Sexting, sending nude pictures to one another by cell phone, has become a big fad among teens. A reporter covering the story says it is a new way to flirt. Silly me. I thought flirting was extended eye contact, a lingering touch or a coy smile. Now I find out flirting means ripping off your clothes and saying cheese. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, February 16, 2009 Monday, February 16, 2009 Our son and daughter-in-law assembled one of those fancy baby swings to get ready for their new arrival. It was like watching pilots do a preflight inspection on a 747. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, February 09, 2009 Monday, February 09, 2009 When our oldest daughter was in college, she wrote a book. (She's smart.) Since I handle tax matters related to my books, I offered to handle tax matters related to her book. She agreed. (She's not always smart.) http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, February 02, 2009 Monday, February 02, 2009 If weather forecasters were held to a Three Strikes and You’re Out law, they’d be wearing orange jumpsuits and dragging tin cups across prison bars. Thank goodness they got this one right. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, January 26, 2009 Monday, January 26, 2009 Your last one leaves home. You tell her to take anything she thinks she might need to set up an apartment, and two days later you discover nearly all the DVDs are gone. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, January 19, 2009 Monday, January 19, 2009 All children leave trails behind them when they inhabit a house -- scuff marks on the baseboards, handprints on the walls, pen caps and paper clips down the heating vent. It is a Hansel and Gretel trail of mementos, memories and cookie crumbs that say, “I was here, I lived, I grew.” It happens in every house, even the White House. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, January 12, 2009 Monday, January 12, 2009 On my birthday this past fall, I received an e-mail from our son and his wife with the subject line HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Inside the e-mail was an ultrasound image of a 12-week-old fetus wearing a bright red and yellow party hat that screamed Happy Birthday. The ultrasound was courtesy of an obstetrician’s office; the party hat was courtesy of Photoshop. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, January 05, 2009 Monday, January 05, 2009 While checking out at a drugstore, I saw candy bars in a basket with a handmade sign that read, "SALE -- 2 for $1." Underneath that it said, "Reg. 50 cents." Things like that tend to get me excited, which is a good thing, I now learn. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 29, 2008 Monday, December 29, 2008 I’m not saying our lives are dull or that middle-age is anything less than scintillating, but it seems the husband and I have entered a season of life where our main topic of conversation is the price of gasoline. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 22, 2008 Monday, December 22, 2008 During Advent, a certain toddler made a habit of lifting the plastic Jesus from the nativity set in the family home and toting it around with her. Apparently the child forgot where she put the baby Jesus one day. The next morning, and each morning after, the toddler came down the stairs calling “W’are you, Jesus?” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 15, 2008 Monday, December 15, 2008 When the kids started leaving home and making homes of their own, a friend said not to view it as a loss but as a shifting of gears. “Now you anticipate the times when they return.” ‘Tis the season of anticipation. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 08, 2008 Monday, December 08, 2008 There is no humble way to say this, but I suddenly find myself very popular. Wildly popular. Rock star popular. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 01, 2008 Monday, December 01, 2008 Why don’t we do this the easy way? If you haven’t written a memoir, please step forward. Anybody? Somebody? http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, November 24, 2008 Monday, November 24, 2008 People can be sticklers about what time they have Thanksgiving dinner. There are the high-noon purists and the mid- to late-afternoon debonair. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, November 17, 2008 Monday, November 17, 2008 Our three children are grown and not a single one of them has a landline phone. They consider “home phones” pieces of antiquity – like disco and eight-track tapes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, November 10, 2008 Monday, November 10, 2008 Gadi Lawton had another flare-up of malaria this fall. Malaria is a souvenir he brought back to Indianapolis from Guadalcanal. Most all the leathernecks there during World War II brought it home with them. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, November 03, 2008 Monday, November 03, 2008 You can add "folding clothes" to the growing list of obsessions. Turns out an entire generation that worked retail at Gap, Abercrombie, Old Navy and Banana Republic find the folding habit has been sharply creased into their brains.