http://www.loriborgman.com Weekly article from Lori Borgman. Updates every Monday. lori@loriborgman.com en-us (c) Copyright 2009-2013, Lori Borgman ProWebSites.net http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 20, 2013 Monday, May 20, 2013 The peonies are slightly behind schedule for Memorial Day. I worry about such things, not because I want to, but because I have to. It’s part of my heritage. For years, women in my family have monitored peonies like Patton monitored the troops, but without the swearing. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 13, 2013 Monday, May 13, 2013 I dread being the bearer of bad news, especially in an uncertain economy, questionable employment gains and high allergen levels, but here it goes: Jell-O salad is dead. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 06, 2013 Monday, May 06, 2013 I received a great Mother’s Day gift last year. We were just about to cut into a beautiful cake topped with mounds of fresh strawberries, raspberries and blackberries, when our son rounded the corner into the kitchen. He looked at me with a straight face, said, “Happy Mother’s Day,” and handed me an old brown dustpan that has to be at least 45 years old. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 29, 2013 Monday, April 29, 2013 I agreed to be a mystery reader in the class our daughter teaches. Talk about pressure. What did I expect? It was kindergarten. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 22, 2013 Monday, April 22, 2013 The oven had a conniption fit and quit working four weeks ago. Charred, smoking calzone is not a pretty sight. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 15, 2013 Monday, April 15, 2013 Been sleeping like a baby lately — a baby that wakes up at midnight and doesn’t go back to sleep until 3. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 08, 2013 Monday, April 08, 2013 The husband joined Twitter. I coached him. It was like standing behind someone who is deathly afraid of water and pushing them into the deep end of a swimming pool. He did not go willingly or cheerfully, but he went. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 01, 2013 Monday, April 01, 2013 The happiest jobs right now, according to online jobs site Careerbliss.com, include real estate agent, senior quality assurance engineer, senior sales rep and construction superintendent. The unhappiest jobs include nurse, teacher, customer service rep and associate lawyer. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 25, 2013 Monday, March 25, 2013 If you’ve missed “The Bible,” airing on the History Channel, you’ve missed something worth watching. The miniseries, co-produced by Mark Burnett and Roma Downey, is well done. The premiere episode drew a record audience of 13.1 million viewers. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 18, 2013 Monday, March 18, 2013 A branch on our family tree has stretched to New Jersey for the second time. One of the silver linings of grown children moving far away is that you discover places you might not otherwise visit. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 11, 2013 Monday, March 11, 2013 If all goes according to plan, the New York City soda ban should go into effect soon. The new restrictions are so detailed that some establishments have created colorful posters with graphics and pictures to explain to the children, I mean the customers, what they can and cannot do. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 04, 2013 Monday, March 04, 2013 For an advanced people, we sure have a lot of problems with our pants. You wouldn’t think pants would be that big of a challenge. You put your right leg in, you put your left leg in, and you shake it all about -- no wait, that’s the Hokey Pokey. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 25, 2013 Monday, Feb 25, 2013 There are some things most men simply should not do. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 18, 2013 Monday, Feb 18, 2013 The longer we live, the more history we have to learn. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 11, 2013 Monday, Feb 11, 2013 For men, the most terrifying aspect of a wedding is that the ceremony is followed by food which is often followed by dancing. Many men would rather rivet their own thumbs to plywood with a nail gun rather than be dragged onto a dance floor. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 04, 2013 Monday, Feb 04, 2013 If people who love technology are called techies, and people who love food are called foodies, then people who enjoy words must be wordies. I’m a wordie. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 28, 2013 Monday, Jan 28, 2013 Friends are celebrating a new addition to their family. It’s a boy. He has dark hair and dark eyes. And he weighs 105 pounds. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 21, 2013 Monday, Jan 21, 2013 If this was an episode of “CSI,” the title would read: “Peanut Butter Crackers.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 14, 2013 Monday, Jan 14, 2013 The baby is getting married. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 07, 2013 Monday, Jan 07, 2013 The snows of your childhood are always better than the snows of your adulthood. For one thing, the snows of your childhood were much deeper. This is because you were lower to the ground as a child, but why let facts leech drama from a good story. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 31, 2012 Monday, Dec 31, 2012 There was once an adage that children were to be seen and not heard. Hearing them without seeing them is highly entertaining. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 24, 2012 Monday, Dec 24, 2012 The symbols for the New Year are bewildering. On one end of the spectrum is the New Year’s baby wearing only a diaper while on the other end is Father Time moping about in what looks like a long hospital gown. It’s a shame we can’t have a symbol without bladder control issues. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 17, 2012 Monday, Dec 17, 2012 Our Christmas tree decorations have taken a hit this year. Small pudgy hands have popped a manger out of a stable and briefly separated a little white church from its steeple. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 10, 2012 Monday, Dec 10, 2012 We recently carted three of the grandchildren to a library Christmas program billed as one of Santa’s elves bringing animals from the North Pole, including a live reindeer. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 03, 2012 Monday, Dec 03, 2012 Life changes on a dime. Take this weekend, for example. We will go from being two empty nesters to a party of seven. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 26, 2012 Monday, Nov 26, 2012 In case you haven’t heard, Santa is now a non-smoker. He did it without even using a patch. Actually, he didn’t do it; anti-smoking crusader Pamela McColl did it for him. She took it upon herself to edit the beloved 200-year-old poem, “T’was the Night Before Christmas,” removing the line (and accompanying illustration) about Santa drawing on a pipe and smoke encircling his face like a wreath. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 19, 2012 Monday, Nov 19, 2012 They are among the first words we teach our children: Thank you. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 12, 2012 Monday, Nov 12, 2012 If we took a poll, I think we’d find most people are ambivalent about turkey. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 05, 2012 Monday, Nov 05, 2012 We’ve never abided by the “five second rule,” the rule that says if food hasn’t been on the floor longer than five seconds it’s safe to eat. We use a slide rule. We go from five to 10, 15 seconds, or even the day after. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 29, 2012 Monday, Oct 29, 2012 The only thing worse than having toilet paper stuck to your shoe in public is falling down in public. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 22, 2012 Monday, Oct 22, 2012 Every year we grumble about how there are more Halloween costumes for adults than kids and that adults have taken over the holiday. And then I wonder if we’re adding fuel to the fire. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 15, 2012 Monday, Oct 15, 2012 I stepped on the scale and saw the unexplained weight loss nearly every woman dreams of. I weighed 57 pounds. I knew that couldn’t possibly be right, so I stepped on it again. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 08, 2012 Monday, Oct 08, 2012 You can be sure I don’t want the husband reading the Norwegian study that found couples who share housework equally are more likely to divorce. We don’t share housework equally, but the husband does vacuum about four times a year and I don’t want him to quit now, claiming it jeopardizes our marriage. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 01, 2012 Monday, Oct 01, 2012 My favorite home furnishing catalogs came today. They are dreamy catalogs that offer the ultimate in voyeurism. You can peek into rooms that are tastefully decorated and always immaculate. The rooms are always immaculate because there are never people in the rooms. Once you get a room just so, the last thing you want is people messing it up. Right? http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 24, 2012 Monday, Sept 24, 2012 They are the three questions that every man and woman considering having a child should answer. They are the questions that friends of ours were asked by a judge when they appeared in court to finalize their adoption. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 17, 2012 Monday, Sept 17, 2012 As a grandparent there’s nothing you dread more than seeing one of your grandchildren get in trouble. You’ll gladly take the fall for them, which is exactly why we sent the following note after a short stay with our daughter and her husband who have three little ones knee high to a grasshopper. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 10, 2012 Monday, Sept 10, 2012 A number of luncheon events I speak at often serve chicken. You can’t go wrong with chicken, although some chicken dishes are drier than others. It doesn’t matter though. It is not the food that makes the event, it is the people. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 03, 2012 Monday, Sept 03, 2012 You may have heard that I move plants like other women move furniture. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 27, 2012 Monday, Aug 27, 2012 The news that Prince Harry isn’t very good at pool, or cloaking the royal jewels, was not nearly as disturbing as the radio report that said, “The Royal Palace has confirmed the nude pictures are of Prince Harry.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 20, 2012 Monday, Aug 20, 2012 We are a nation divided -- Republicans and Democrats, sweet tea vs. unsweetened tea, those who love Barry Manilow and those who hate Barry Manilow. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 13, 2012 Monday, Aug 13, 2012 Some of our grandbabies were playing on the front porch, climbing in and out of the wicker chairs, poking their heads between the spindles on the rail and waving at passing cars, when it dawned on me that some of my best memories involve a front porch. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 6, 2012 Monday, Aug 6, 2012 I have always carried a grudge against my purse. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 30, 2012 Monday, July 30, 2012 A full moon has always been an event for me, something like a marvelous dessert on lovely china. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 23, 2012 Monday, July 23, 2012 I just checked Google Street View and our garage door is still open. Our garage door has been open in every Google Street View of our house ever captured. The trees change, the seasons change, the cars in the driveway change, but the garage door? Never. Always open. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 16, 2012 Monday, July 16, 2012 I’m not complaining that it’s hot outside, but I just saw a squirrel lying on his back beneath an outdoor faucet with his little mouth open hoping for a drop of water. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 9, 2012 Monday, July 9, 2012 They’ve had the nursery set up for two years. The white crib with the soft green blanket hanging over the side stands by the window. Wooden cutouts of smiling farm animals, a pig, a sheep, and a cow hang on the wall. A needlepoint pillow that her mother made sits in the rocking chair. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 2, 2012 Monday, July 2, 2012 Some people spend a lifetime searching for happiness. Some search for wealth and others for fame. Me? I’m searching for one good cantaloupe. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 25, 2012 Monday, June 25, 2012 We’ve all done it. Some only on rare occasions, some habitually. Some do it for revenge, others to impress, some for the sake of convenience and some out of cowardice. We lie. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 18, 2012 Monday, June 18, 2012 The night-time soap opera “Dallas” premiered the year the husband and I married. Every now and then we would walk around the corner to the local mom and pop, buy a pint of Haagen-Dazs rum raisin ice cream, carry it home and eat it while J.R. Ewing schemed big on our small black and white. It was a poor man’s version of dinner and a movie. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 11, 2012 Monday, June 11, 2012 A man was on a television news show wearing a nice suit, hard sole leather shoes and no socks. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 4, 2012 Monday, June 4, 2012 I’ve always considered flowers or candles appropriate hostess gifts, but it is time to add Windex to the list. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 28, 2012 Monday, May 28, 2012 I’ve been trying to work up some sympathy for these women who keep coming forward complaining that life is hard because they’re too beautiful. I felt a tear welling about an hour ago, but it was just allergies. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 21, 2012 Monday, May 21, 2012 Having read the survey of college graduates that found nearly one in four would not take a job that didn’t allow them to make or receive personal calls at work makes you wonder if they live in the real world. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 14, 2012 Monday, May 14, 2012 An advocacy group is petitioning the President to ban photographs of him and all cabinet members eating any food that is unhealthy, mainly burgers and dogs (hot dogs, not the other kind of dogs although they are probably against that, too). http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 7, 2012 Monday, May 7, 2012 Climbing into the far reaches of one’s family tree can be a dicey endeavor. I mention this to the husband, but he has already scrambled past a major fork, scaled 15 branches and is inspecting an obscure limb several hundred years old. I don’t think he can hear me. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 30, 2012 Monday, April 30, 2012 They are sitting on the piano bench that has been dragged to the front hall because the light is better there. He is 87 and she is 86. They are the parents of a best friend and will celebrate their 65th wedding anniversary. They are here because the husband and I occasionally do portraits for people if our arms are twisted just so. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 23, 2012 Monday, April 23, 2012 Judging from recent news cycles, we are swiftly closing in on the Age of Endless Adolescence. Last week began with a photo of a middle-age man in a tub with two wine glasses beside him. Everyone thought it was another Cialis ad. It turned out to be GSA Chief Jeffrey Neely childishly blowing through hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 16, 2012 Monday, April 16, 2012 One of my grandmothers raised five sons in addition to three daughters. If anyone had ever told her she never worked a day in her life she would have taken after them with a broom. And a lot of other women would have cheered her on. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 9, 2012 Monday, April 9, 2012 The birds are singing, the sky is blue and the lilacs are blooming, but I am fixated on a tax form bearing a yellow Post-it that says “SOS.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 2, 2012 Monday, April 2, 2012 One of my dearest and most long-time friends went to jail last month. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 26, 2012 Monday, March 26, 2012 A lot of couples today meet on dot com websites, but we know three couples who met and married as a result of being set up by living, breathing human beings. Sure, it’s dicey to set someone up. You can offend people and wind up looking foolish, but those things have never been deterrents before, so I tried my hand at a setup. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 19, 2012 Monday, March 19, 2012 A doctor friend who is a pediatrician was lamenting the state of his vocation of late. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 12, 2012 Monday, March 12, 2012 I miss eye contact. It seems to have gone the way of yellow pages and travel agents. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 05, 2012 Monday, March 05, 2012 I always read in bed at night before going to sleep. Last night I read “Great Coffeecakes, Sticky Buns, Muffins & More.” Nothing but high brow books for me. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 27, 2012 Monday, Feb 27, 2012 As a general rule, I’d rather dance in a large group than in a small group. In a large group, you can always deflect attention away from your own dull repetitive moves to some crazy young guy spinning on his back on the floor. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 20, 2012 Monday, Feb 20, 2012 You may have heard about the federal agent monitoring preschool lunches in North Carolina telling a 4-year-old girl that her sack lunch containing a turkey and cheese sandwich, chips, a banana and apple juice wasn’t healthy. The agent then made the little girl eat chicken nuggets from the school cafeteria. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 13, 2012 Monday, Feb 13, 2012 It’s been an unusual winter here in our pocket of the Midwest, much milder than usual. The last thing I wanted to do was cause panic. But I knew I needed to tell someone, which is why I called the Weather Channel. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 06, 2012 Monday, Feb 06, 2012 Granted, it is on the early side to be thinking about gifts for Valentine’s Day, but this very special gift requires a few days for the swelling to subside. According to a press release, the must-have for Valentine’s Day this year is a trip to the doctor’s office to get the perfect pout – “a smooth pout with natural, youthful-looking volume.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 30, 2012 Monday, Jan 30, 2012 A popular parenting magazine recently had a little boy on the cover dressed like Steve Jobs in a black turtleneck, wire rim glasses and his hand posed beneath his chin. Cute. Very cute. The cover story was on how to raise genius children. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 23, 2012 Monday, Jan 23, 2012 It is one of the most dreaded questions of our time: “What’s your PIN number?” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 16, 2012 Monday, Jan 16, 2012 All cooks have at least one kitchen disaster that follows them for life. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 09, 2012 Monday, Jan 09, 2012 A father was holding his little girl’s hand at a busy intersection where strip malls have multiple ins and outs on every corner and left turn arrows perform a precision-timed choreography. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 02, 2012 Monday, Jan 02, 2012 I was at a sporting goods store waiting to pay for an item when a woman ahead of me said, “I like your vest.” It was a quilted corduroy vest with a fake fur collar. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 26, 2011 Monday, Dec 26, 2011 The week after Christmas is when nothing happens. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 19, 2011 Monday, Dec 19, 2011 My parents grew up during the Depression attending small country churches. At the close of Christmas Eve services, children were called down front and each one was given a brown paper sack containing an apple, an orange, nuts still in their shells and several chocolates. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 12, 2011 Monday, Dec 12, 2011 Try finding a Christmas movie on television that doesn’t feature dogs. Not that there’s anything wrong with dogs playing actors. In my book, that little Taco Bell dog is right up there with Matt Damon. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 05, 2011 Monday, Dec 05, 2011 The husband has a knack for spotting famous people. I have a knack for thinking I spot famous people and being unwilling to admit that I am wrong. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 28, 2011 Monday, Nov 28, 2011 Fortunately, my father retired before the political correctness that dominates so much of life today came into vogue. He often said there were two things that should automatically disqualify a job applicant: wearing blue eye shadow and not knowing your states and capitals. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 21, 2011 Monday, Nov 21, 2011 And so it came to pass that the Pilgrims survived that first awful winter of 1620. Upon agricultural advisement of their new friends, the Indians, they planted crops the next spring and enjoyed a bountiful harvest in the fall. They invited their neighbors to celebrate in thanksgiving. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 14, 2011 Monday, Nov 14, 2011 I’d racked up five hours of delays, missed a connecting flight and had been in airport terminals so long that I smelled like one – black coffee with a hint of fryer grease. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 07, 2011 Monday, Nov 07, 2011 At least Woodstock only lasted for three days and then they all went home. Occupy Wall Street doesn’t have an end date. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 31, 2011 Monday, Oct 31, 2011 Our bat is dead. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 24, 2011 Monday, Oct 24, 2011 I am not a crafter. Crafting is a genetic thing, either you have the gene or you don’t. I have contacted the Genome people about this matter, but they have yet to answer. They are probably busy crafting -- making models of DNA strands with toothpicks and Styrofoam balls. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 17, 2011 Monday, Oct 17, 2011 I finally found a word I’ve needed for some time now. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 10, 2011 Monday, Oct 10, 2011 No one knows how to bleed the fun out of a birthday like the mail carrier. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 03, 2011 Monday, Oct 03, 2011 I feel bad about the whole Reebok toning shoe mess. It was the athletic shoe for women that promised to strengthen calves and hamstrings up to 11 percent and tone buttocks by 28 percent more than regular shoes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 26, 2011 Monday, Sept 26, 2011 The maples are brushed with crimson and the nights are cool which means it is time for that ancient ritual dating back to the beginning of man -- the changing of the closets. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 19, 2011 Monday, Sept 19, 2011 The way we’re always in a race to be the first to know something and tell others, you’d think there was prize money involved. Or maybe a new car. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 12, 2011 Monday, Sept 12, 2011 You may not realize this, but if you are a baby boomer, you are among the last generation of kids raised on guilt. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 05, 2011 Monday, Sept 05, 2011 A Texas economics professor argues that because unattractive people earn less money over the course of a lifetime than attractive people, unattractive people should be identified as having a disability and be compensated by the government. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 29, 2011 Monday, Aug 29, 2011 Rule No. 7 for living with babies: The greater the danger, the greater the force that pulls babies in that direction. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 22, 2011 Monday, Aug 22, 2011 Both of the girls were home the other night and someone popped in a romantic comedy. I dozed off, woke up midway and realized it could have been one of a dozen movies. Romantic comedies adhere to a similar fashion. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 15, 2011 Monday, Aug 15, 2011 It is a relief to know that my bad handwriting does not bear sole responsibility for killing cursive. Here in my home state of Indiana, the department of education has decided to finish it off. Cursive is no longer a required subject. Shed a tear if you will, but please, not on fresh ink. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 08, 2011 Monday, Aug 08, 2011 It’s a sad day in the neighborhood when you can’t believe a calorie count on a menu item. A team of scientists has found that fast food and sit-down restaurants understate the number of calories in their menu items. The average discrepancy was 134 calories per menu item, and some items were off by as much as 225 calories. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 01, 2011 Monday, Aug 01, 2011 The 2-year-old grandbaby was here this weekend, waving her hands in the jets of the sprinkler, splashing in the inflatable kiddie pool and pouring water. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 25, 2011 Monday, July 25, 2011 There is a reason they call it extreme couponing. A few moments ago I found myself pondering the feasibility of having another baby because, as a new on-line couponer registered at five web sites, I am now awash in coupons for diapers, formula and teething biscuits. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 18, 2011 Monday, July 18, 2011 After my mother died, my father said that every man should have a swift kick in the pants for not appreciating all the things a woman does for him. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 11, 2011 Monday, July 11, 2011 Some families wear denim and white for their family pictures, others mix it up with khakis and solid colored shirts. Then there are the somber ones that wear all black and refuse to smile. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 04, 2011 Monday, July 04, 2011 A friend who was a Taiwanese grad student came by one morning when our then 3-year-old son was having breakfast. He was enjoying his morning ritual of eating his toast into the shape of a gun. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 27, 2011 Monday, June 27, 2011 Each time after helping one of the kids move, I wipe imaginary sweat from my brow, exhale deeply and announce that I am never again helping another one of them move. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 20, 2011 Monday, June 20, 2011 If someone has a guide to air mattress protocol, please send it to me. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 13, 2011 Monday, June 13, 2011 “A woman would never do that,” I said to my daughter. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 06, 2011 Monday, June 06, 2011 Since it has been revealed that the First Lady has a talent for one-arm push-ups, it has emboldened me to reveal my talent as well. Actually, it is time we all reveal our special talent, as it is how one now distinguishes oneself in the world and on television shows like “American Idol,” “America’s Got Talent,” “The Voice,” “The Cough,” and “The Sneeze.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 30, 2011 Monday, May 30, 2011 Every young person needs an adventure. But around here it seems like every young person’s adventure takes them to the same place. Chicago. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 23, 2011 Monday, May 23, 2011 When our daughter suggested I be on the Army post to observe retreat, I wondered why she was so calm if the post was under attack. It wasn’t that kind of retreat. Nobody was firing and nobody was running. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 16, 2011 Monday, May 16, 2011 Like everyone else we’re tightening our belt to accommodate the economy. I have taken to limiting my gasoline purchases to $40 at a time. If I pay more than that, I feel like the pump is smirking at me. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 09, 2011 Monday, May 09, 2011 As if life isn’t tough enough, we are now burdened with the guilt of eating live lettuce. Live lettuce is a head of lettuce that comes in a plastic bowl with the root ball still attached. It’s so live, that dirt still clings to the roots. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 02, 2011 Monday, May 02, 2011 A young woman in her early 20s was sitting on the floor at the drugstore studying four Mother’s Day cards spread in front of her. A lot of thought was going in to finding just the right card. It reminded me of the varied cards I gave to my own mother over the years: http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 25, 2011 Monday, April 25, 2011 My memory is shot. The only thing I can retain is water. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 18, 2011 Monday, April 18, 2011 Second chances. Charlie Sheen is hoping for one and Lindsay Lohan may be fresh out of them. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 11, 2011 Monday, April 11, 2011 It turned out that the detour warning that disappeared in a blur as I sped past really was for me. The interstate exit I want is closed, so I shoot off onto an alternate two-lane highway. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 04, 2011 Monday, April 04, 2011 We are on a three-hour car ride to Chicago to see a new grandbaby (the fourth in less than two years, a prolific group we are). If you’d like to diagram this on a marker board begin here: The husband is driving, the youngest daughter is in the passenger seat, the two twin grandbabies are strapped in the middle seats and their baby momma and myself are in the fold-up seats in the cargo area. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 28, 2011 Monday, March 28, 2011 We had 14 police cars in the neighborhood last week. The last time we had this much excitement was when the city came through and repaired the sidewalks. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 21, 2011 Monday, March 21, 2011 I have never completely understood those elaborate bathroom showers with six, seven and eight nozzles shooting out from the walls in shower stalls the size of a two-car garage. These aren’t just walk-in showers, they are drive-thrus. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 14, 2011 Monday, March 14, 2011 Who knew you could cause turmoil in a marriage by simply throwing your husband’s pillow in the trash? And here I thought I was doing the man a favor. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 07, 2011 Monday, March 07, 2011 Call this one a wardrobe malfunction of a squeezing sort: Joan Collins wore a dress so tight at an Oscar party that it made her pass out. It was a pretty dress and not just pretty tight. She looked like a beautiful purple mermaid covered in jewels, pushing up two coconuts from the deep plunging neckline. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 28, 2011 Monday, Feb 28, 2011 I’m warming to the idea of Donald Trump throwing his hair in the ring for president. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 21, 2011 Monday, Feb 21, 2011 Fatigue can make us do some loony things. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 14, 2011 Monday, Feb 14, 2011 I’m finally over the disappointment of not being invited to the royal wedding. What I’m not over is my inability to think of a suitable wedding gift. Should my invitation be lost in the mail and come at the last minute, I’d like to be ready. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 07, 2011 Monday, Feb 07, 2011 Sometimes what we really need is a common enemy. Winter has given us one. Dare I say this pummeling from winter has made us all just a little more hospitable, a bit more friendly and a touch more neighborly? http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 31, 2011 Monday, Jan 31, 2011 Some parenting decisions are easy. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 24, 2011 Monday, Jan 24, 2011 Super Mom ruled the ‘80s. She was to motherhood what the Virginia Slims chick was to cigarettes. She could do it all, be it all and have it all, all at the same time. She retired at the end of the decade, weary, exhausted, suffering from water retention and plantar fasciitis from spiked heels. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 17, 2011 Monday, Jan 17, 2011 Go figure, we lose a planet and gain a zodiac sign. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 10, 2011 Monday, Jan 10, 2011 It probably won’t be in Guinness, but we set a record last week. We pulled out of the driveway on our first trip out of the house. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 03, 2011 Monday, Jan 03, 2011 Cleanup after the holidays is like the aftermath of a natural disaster without aid from the Red Cross, sandbags or a hoard of volunteers. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 27, 2010 Monday, Dec 27, 2010 It all started with a television show on how soda is made. The program concluded saying the average American drinks 50 gallons of soda a year. I tried to visualize myself lining up 95 2-liters in the garage or pouring it all in a 50-gallon drum and just getting a straw. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 20, 2010 Monday, Dec 20, 2010 Jimmy is 42years old, short in stature, has a receding hairline and an easy smile. Jimmy has Down syndrome. He paints delicate abstract water colors that look like cherry blossoms. And he believes in Santa. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 13, 2010 Monday, Dec 13, 2010 As if being stuck with this bulbous red nose and being the constant butt of jokes isn’t punishment enough, I drew the short straw and got stuck writing the Christmas letter on behalf of the reindeer this year. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 06, 2010 Monday, Dec 06, 2010 It has been 18 years since I have attended a holiday meal or party in my own home. I have hosted them; I just have not attended them. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 29, 2010 Monday, Nov 29, 2010 When I read that one of the reality television shows about bigamy is spinning off a show where a bigamist takes only one of his multiple wives on a honeymoon, I told the husband that I thought we might be ready for our own reality show. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 22, 2010 Monday, Nov 22, 2010 On this Sunday before Thanksgiving I am attending church on an Army post, sitting in the back row of a small chapel at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, training ground of the field artillery. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 15, 2010 Monday, Nov 15, 2010 For much of my childhood, our holidays were standard. We drove out in the country to my grandparents’ farm where cars lined the gravel lane to the big farmhouse with the wraparound porch. We traipsed inside, threw our coats on the bed and joined 20 other cousins. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 08, 2010 Monday, Nov 08, 2010 Turns out those marvelous paintings of birds in their natural environments are like hamburgers – more enjoyable if you don’t know the intricacies about how they came to be. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 01, 2010 Monday, Nov 01, 2010 Women are usually the ones who succumb to the lure of the big bulk stores, buying pump soap by the gross and canned tuna by the case, but this time a man has gone and done it. A male friend visited a big bulk store, bought industrial size cans of tomatoes and beans, drove home and made 15 gallons of chili. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 25, 2010 Monday, Oct 25, 2010 There is a TV commercial for one of those home improvement channels that shows a couple driving down a street at night looking in homes for decorating ideas. A man inside one of the houses sees the couple looking in and is visibly perturbed. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 18, 2010 Monday, Oct 18, 2010 It is not easy being a family today. Especially not in a world where the popular mantra is “busy is better.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 11, 2010 Monday, Oct 11, 2010 If dogs aren’t smarter than humans, why do humans leave their homes every day to go work, while dogs stay put and sleep in the homes the humans are working to pay for? http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 04, 2010 Monday, Oct 04, 2010 We live in the Age of Embellishment. We firmly believe that there is nothing simple and plain that cannot benefit from adornment. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 27, 2010 Monday, Sept 27, 2010 Last week someone said they had a headache and I found myself in the middle of another purse war. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 20, 2010 Monday, Sept 20, 2010 There are only so many cracks a woman can take about her age before she seeks revenge. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 13, 2010 Monday, Sept 13, 2010 There are two types of people: Those who scrape two tablespoons of leftovers into an air tight box and lovingly place them in the ‘fridge and those who jam them down the disposal and flip the switch. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 06, 2010 Monday, Sept 06, 2010 Dark circles and bags under the eyes of mothers and fathers of newborns is a badge of honor in parenthood. Those same dark circles and bags under the eyes of a grandma look like a woman with a drinking problem aging before her time. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 30, 2010 Monday, Aug 30, 2010 More and more I find myself taking care of appliances and gadgets that were supposed to take care of me. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 23, 2010 Monday, Aug 23, 2010 Our family has been given many blessings, but height has never been one of them. So we were surprised when our twin granddaughters arrived early and were being called the big kids on the block. Even if you’re girls, when you’re closing in on 4 pounds in the neonatal intensive care unit, you pretty well qualify as middle linebackers. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 16, 2010 Monday, Aug 16, 2010 Our experience with “dressing for dinner” has been somewhat limited. For us, the phrase most often meant someone was supposed to tell my father-in-law to put on a shirt so we could eat. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 09, 2010 Monday, Aug 09, 2010 Kids are learning the alphabet song a new way these days. Our daughter the elementary school teacher tried teaching it to the husband and me. We didn’t do so well – as in the letter F. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 02, 2010 Monday, Aug 02, 2010 It is a great triumph, when sizzling in the summer heat, if you are able to convince others that your heat is far more miserable than theirs. After all, who wants to be average? We are a people who pride ourselves in extremes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 26, 2010 Monday, July 26, 2010 An expectant mother can now purchase a belly mold kit, make a casting of her tummy during pregnancy, and turn it into wall art for a special keepsake. Personally, if I wanted a reminder of what I looked like during pregnancy, I'd hang a picture of a giant pear on the wall. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 19, 2010 Monday, July 19, 2010 The husband has really done it now. The man has lost 15 pounds in four weeks. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 12, 2010 Monday, July 12, 2010 The husband and I were watching a Reds and Mets ball game, flipping channels at commercials, and found ourselves pulled into the “first ever sit-down interview” since last season’s Bachelor and his fiancé broke up in the tabloids. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 05, 2010 Monday, July 05, 2010 The way Tom Sawyer weaseled his way out of whitewashing Aunt Polly’s fence was pure genius. My admiration for the kid grows every time we have to paint our fence. That would be the white picket fence that was so charming when we bought this house years ago and had no idea what lower back pain maintaining charm would require. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 28, 2010 Monday, June 28, 2010 Having realized the key to getting an appointment with my doctor is to pre-plan my illnesses and injuries six weeks in advance, I have switched doctors. I now doctor with Dr. Nancy Snyderman on the NBC Today Show. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 21, 2010 Monday, June 21, 2010 I have long thought there should be an awards show for thunder. Last week was validation. It was a small storm that rolled into town, but the thunder was outstanding. It jolted the bed, rattled the windows and shook three pictures on the wall into perfect horizontal alignment. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 14, 2010 Monday, June 14, 2010 My mother came from a brood of seven which included younger sisters, Jean and Joyce, who were identical twins. She once used them for a 4-H project. She demonstrated a shampoo and set on one and the comb-out on the other. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 07, 2010 Monday, June 07, 2010 Some of the best boating the husband and I ever did was with an experienced friend and river guide in a McKenzie River drift boat. It was 30 years ago. We were young, idealistic, newly married DINKs – double-income-no-kids. Life was cotton candy clouds and deep blue skies. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 31, 2010 Monday, May 31, 2010 For the first time in my life, I fantasized about stealing a car. I didn’t plan on taking it far. Hopefully the officers would note that in the comments section of the police report when they arrested me. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 24, 2010 Monday, May 24, 2010 What do you say to graduates entering the worst economy in decades? Your perfect job is out there – it’s just hiding in Witness Protection Program? http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 17, 2010 Monday, May 17, 2010 The only thing worse than having your life flash before you, is having your life flash before you stuck in a bridesmaid’s dress. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 10, 2010 Monday, May 10, 2010 Talk about extremes -- one of our married children lives in Chicago and the other lives in a small town of 1,500 in Oklahoma. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 03, 2010 Monday, May 03, 2010 You know times have changed when C-SPAN needs to bleep a broadcast for language. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Apr 26, 2010 Monday, Apr 26, 2010 We used to watch the news to learn the news, but now it seems we watch the news to watch the anchors. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Apr 19, 2010 Monday, Apr 19, 2010 I suddenly have an irresistible urge to garden this year. Maybe it’s because of the jaunty red and yellow tulips just outside the window. Maybe it is the need to feel my hands in the rich black dirt. Maybe it is because friends just found $200 in their garden. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Apr 12, 2010 Monday, Apr 12, 2010 Car seats for babies now come with drink cup holders. I mention this to the husband and he says the kids should hold out for car seats that come with built-ins for remote controls as well. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Apr 05, 2010 Monday, Apr 05, 2010 Nothing is what it seems in the world of appliances. When our washing machine went kaput, I went shopping for a new one and asked for a brand name -- you know, the one with the lonely repairman who never has any work and waits for women to call. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 29, 2010 Monday, Mar 29, 2010 Stories of sacrifice command our attention. When we read about heroics, we are both inspired and uncomfortable. The selflessness amazes us, yet the unanswered question nags us – would we do the same? http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 22, 2010 Monday, Mar 22, 2010 I recently received an article on soul gazing, a getting-in-touch-with-your-feelings type exercise that involves holding perfectly still and looking deep into the eyes of another person for several minutes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 15, 2010 Monday, Mar 15, 2010 We knew this day would come eventually – the day our bodies turned on us. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 08, 2010 Monday, Mar 08, 2010 We are not so naïve that we don’t realize we may be biased when it comes to our grandbaby. Although, we do believe everyone in the world would agree she is the most beautiful, brilliant, marvelous, delightful baby ever born. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Mar 01, 2010 Monday, Mar 01, 2010 Women have been known to bare their souls at the grocery store. Which is why I wasn’t surprised when the woman next to me at the apple display said that her granddaughter had injured her ankle. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 22, 2010 Monday, Feb 22, 2010 It took an elbow to my head at 3 a.m. to realize we must be the last couple in the country still sleeping in a double bed. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 15, 2010 Monday, Feb 15, 2010 A woman who lost 60 pounds, without joining a weight loss program or a gym, was on a television show and said the secret to her success was in her pocket. She whipped out a library card. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 08, 2010 Monday, Feb 08, 2010 The husband and I have been invited to be mentors for newly engaged couples. This would involve getting together with couples and talking about marriage and communication. We think it would be a fine thing to do because we find that talking about marriage is always so much easier than actually doing marriage. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Feb 01, 2010 Monday, Feb 01, 2010 Reduce, reuse and recycle has become the Eleventh Commandment. But try finding a refill for a ballpoint pen. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 25, 2010 Monday, Jan 25, 2010 You think it will never happen in your family. You think it only happens to other people, and then you find out that someone you gave birth to has purchased a Snuggie. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 18, 2010 Monday, Jan 18, 2010 Since the President’s State of the Union Address is around the corner, this is a good time to go over the rules on name calling. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 11, 2010 Monday, Jan 11, 2010 You’re not going to believe this one: We were out to dinner seated at a table adjacent to a family of five and not a one of them was working a Blackberry, e-mailing or texting. And they didn’t have ear buds jammed in their ears. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 04, 2010 Monday, Jan 04, 2010 I mentioned to one of the kids that we were thinking of replacing a photograph that has been hanging on the wall for years and she went into shock. “You can’t get rid of that picture of the old man,” she shrieked. “He’s been there so long he’s part of the family.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 28, 2009 Monday, Dec 28, 2009 Frank Sinatra may have crooned, “It was a very good year,” but Sinatra didn’t live through 2009. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 21, 2009 Monday, Dec 21, 2009 Most everybody has a favorite Christmas memory from childhood. The nice thing about memories is that they are easily accessible. All you have to do is close your eyes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 14, 2009 Monday, Dec 14, 2009 For those monitoring the War on Christmas, there is now a scorecard. The Stand Up For Christmas website lets shoppers rate retailers as to whether they are Christmas friendly, Christmas negligent or Christmas offensive. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Dec 07, 2009 Monday, Dec 07, 2009 The youngest called to say she was going to an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party and asked if I had something she could borrow. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 30, 2009 Monday, Nov 30, 2009 When new federal guidelines were issued declaring that women of a certain age no longer need an annual mammogram, I immediately picked up the phone and scheduled one. There’s nothing like a government panel telling you that you shouldn’t do something to know that you should. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 23, 2009 Monday, Nov 23, 2009 One of my father’s favorite lines was, “We have a lot to be grateful for.” He wasn’t the only one in his family who punctuated sentences with thanksgiving. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 16, 2009 Monday, Nov 16, 2009 The problem with this season’s fashions is that you don’t know whether to wear them or eat them. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 09, 2009 Monday, Nov 09, 2009 You would think that when you are middle aged you could go to the mall without being chased. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Nov 02, 2009 Monday, Nov 02, 2009 A friend dropped off a copy of the Ellsworth American, a weekly from Down East Maine. The American still prints small town social news such as the following: “This is the last weekend for dinner at Fisherman’s Inn. Bring your friends for their Thai mussels and nearly famous lobster bisque.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 26, 2009 Monday, Oct 26, 2009 Realtors advise home owners that it helps to sell a house if you can make it look like you don’t actually live in the house. Well, at least not too much. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 19, 2009 Monday, Oct 19, 2009 In my bulging file folder marked marriage and family, is a tidbit on a 60 Minutes show from 1999. It was a segment on an overpopulation of elephants on an African game preserve. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 12, 2009 Monday, Oct 12, 2009 Like most marriages, the husband and I have a relationship built on accommodating our polar opposite traits. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Oct 05, 2009 Monday, Oct 05, 2009 The stimulus plan isn’t going well. I’ve had two cups of caffeine already and still nothing. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 28, 2009 Monday, Sept 28, 2009 One of the kids was sick recently, so now I am two sneezes and one sticky grocery cart away from being a full-fledged germaphobe. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 21, 2009 Monday, Sept 21, 2009 A United Kingdom poll found that women spend one year of their lives deciding what clothes to wear, 15 minutes a week chatting with friends on the phone about clothes and 16 minutes a week talking to their male partners about clothes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 14, 2009 Monday, Sept 14, 2009 I bought a new bicycle that I can lift as high as my head. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Sept 07, 2009 Monday, Sept 07, 2009 My nephew is getting a birthday card with penguin on it that says “Gotta Dance, Gotta Sing, Gotta Do that Party Thing!” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 31, 2009 Monday, Aug 31, 2009 The husband and his sister recently hosted the first family reunion on their father’s side in nearly 40 years. There were first cousins once removed, second cousins twice removed and several cousins five times moved. With all the moving and removing, there were a number of cousins whom we were meeting for the first time. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 24, 2009 Monday, Aug 24, 2009 The way the husband is forever telling me to pace myself, you’d think I was a race horse. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 17, 2009 Monday, Aug 17, 2009 The fixation with the tomato plant makes sense now. Our daughter whose husband is serving in Iraq has been reporting to us regularly since the day she tucked it into the ground. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 10, 2009 Monday, Aug 10, 2009 They call it Shakespeare on the Porch. I’ve been attending on Friday mornings whenever I can this summer. Talk about falling in with the wrong crowd. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, Aug 03, 2009 Monday, Aug 03, 2009 It’s been a bad week for backyard cookouts and anyone who enjoys food in general. First the food police put a bounty on hot dogs. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 27, 2009 Monday, July 27, 2009 My dad’s Ford Explorer with suede and leather trim is mine now. My brother nudged me to take it when Dad died last year. It was the most wonderful nudge I’ve ever had in my life. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 20, 2009 Monday, July 20, 2009 The only thing harder than keeping a job these days is to lose one straight up. People are getting fired, cut and canned, but businesses can’t bring themselves to say so. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 13, 2009 Monday, July 13, 2009 When you think of Las Vegas, you think of casinos, blackjack tables, slot machines, floor shows and Wayne Newton. And ping pong. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, July 06, 2009 Monday, July 06, 2009 For years our family vacations have come closer to resembling hostage-taking events than relaxing getaways. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 29, 2009 Monday, June 29, 2009 Since we’ll be commemorating the anniversary of the Declaration of Independence this week, it seems a fitting time to update you Founders on a few things that have happened since you began this nation. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 22, 2009 Monday, June 22, 2009 I was certain my father-in-law would make it onto the Today Show with Willard Scott and the Smucker's jam jar. I was wrong. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 15, 2009 Monday, June 15, 2009 In recent years, the most coveted object of desire on the husband’s side of the family has been a trophy featuring a donkey standing on a base inscribed with the word Scrabble. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 08, 2009 Monday, June 08, 2009 The gym I go to is trying to do me in. They took away the Food Network. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, June 01, 2009 Monday, June 01, 2009 There is an inverse ratio between the size of a baby and the amount of gear it needs to travel. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 25, 2009 Monday, May 25, 2009 We haven’t given insects near the credit they deserve. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 18, 2009 Monday, May 18, 2009 On a sunny day in May, Confederate commander J.E. B. Stuart sits on horseback against a deep blue sky with billowing white clouds. His horse has a front leg reared in mid-air poised to gallop. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 11, 2009 Monday, May 11, 2009 Last week, commercials showed a tearful Elizabeth Edwards on a talk show confessing details of the most intimate and painful relationship in her life. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, May 04, 2009 Monday, May 04, 2009 A journalist named Amy Sutherland spent a year observing trainers who work with exotic animals and wondered if she could apply the same training principles to her husband. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 27, 2009 Monday, April 27, 2009 I went green (as in greenbacks) last month. I put away the credit cards, operated on a cash-only basis and hung out with the guys – Washington, Lincoln and Jackson. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 20, 2009 Monday, April 20, 2009 I always wondered if I’d become as crazy as other women do when they become grandmothers. You know, the grandma charm bracelets, the 8x10 sitting on the dashboard, the billboard in the front yard. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 13, 2009 Monday, April 13, 2009 Henry David Thoreau said he could not preserve his health and spirits unless he spent at least four hours a day walking. I’m guessing he had to give up his day job. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, April 06, 2009 Monday, April 06, 2009 We have turned being offended into a national pastime. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 30, 2009 Monday, March 30, 2009 I am unloading groceries and pause to clutch what may be the last guilty pleasure on Earth: a box of reclosable plastic bags. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 23, 2009 Monday, March 23, 2009 A journalism student asked to shadow me for a day at my home office to see what it is like to be a columnist. I told her it was in her best interest not to. “Fifteen is too young to die and watching me work all day could kill you.” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 16, 2009 Monday, March 16, 2009 There were three things we didn’t let our kids say when they were growing up: hate, shut up and bored. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 09, 2009 Monday, March 09, 2009 You think nobody sees those dust bunnies under that bed? You think you can just huff and puff and blow the dust off those mini-blinds? Trust me, you’re not fooling anybody with those scented candles. Cinnamon spice, my Swiffer. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, March 02, 2009 Monday, March 02, 2009 I had seven e-mails from an older gentleman who is the president of a highly respected non-profit asking me to become his friend on Facebook. It was so unnerving I joined Facebook just to make the e-mails stop. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, February 23, 2009 Monday, February 23, 2009 Sexting, sending nude pictures to one another by cell phone, has become a big fad among teens. A reporter covering the story says it is a new way to flirt. Silly me. I thought flirting was extended eye contact, a lingering touch or a coy smile. Now I find out flirting means ripping off your clothes and saying cheese. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, February 16, 2009 Monday, February 16, 2009 Our son and daughter-in-law assembled one of those fancy baby swings to get ready for their new arrival. It was like watching pilots do a preflight inspection on a 747. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, February 09, 2009 Monday, February 09, 2009 When our oldest daughter was in college, she wrote a book. (She's smart.) Since I handle tax matters related to my books, I offered to handle tax matters related to her book. She agreed. (She's not always smart.) http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, February 02, 2009 Monday, February 02, 2009 If weather forecasters were held to a Three Strikes and You’re Out law, they’d be wearing orange jumpsuits and dragging tin cups across prison bars. Thank goodness they got this one right. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, January 26, 2009 Monday, January 26, 2009 Your last one leaves home. You tell her to take anything she thinks she might need to set up an apartment, and two days later you discover nearly all the DVDs are gone. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, January 19, 2009 Monday, January 19, 2009 All children leave trails behind them when they inhabit a house -- scuff marks on the baseboards, handprints on the walls, pen caps and paper clips down the heating vent. It is a Hansel and Gretel trail of mementos, memories and cookie crumbs that say, “I was here, I lived, I grew.” It happens in every house, even the White House. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, January 12, 2009 Monday, January 12, 2009 On my birthday this past fall, I received an e-mail from our son and his wife with the subject line HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Inside the e-mail was an ultrasound image of a 12-week-old fetus wearing a bright red and yellow party hat that screamed Happy Birthday. The ultrasound was courtesy of an obstetrician’s office; the party hat was courtesy of Photoshop. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, January 05, 2009 Monday, January 05, 2009 While checking out at a drugstore, I saw candy bars in a basket with a handmade sign that read, "SALE -- 2 for $1." Underneath that it said, "Reg. 50 cents." Things like that tend to get me excited, which is a good thing, I now learn. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 29, 2008 Monday, December 29, 2008 I’m not saying our lives are dull or that middle-age is anything less than scintillating, but it seems the husband and I have entered a season of life where our main topic of conversation is the price of gasoline. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 22, 2008 Monday, December 22, 2008 During Advent, a certain toddler made a habit of lifting the plastic Jesus from the nativity set in the family home and toting it around with her. Apparently the child forgot where she put the baby Jesus one day. The next morning, and each morning after, the toddler came down the stairs calling “W’are you, Jesus?” http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 15, 2008 Monday, December 15, 2008 When the kids started leaving home and making homes of their own, a friend said not to view it as a loss but as a shifting of gears. “Now you anticipate the times when they return.” ‘Tis the season of anticipation. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 08, 2008 Monday, December 08, 2008 There is no humble way to say this, but I suddenly find myself very popular. Wildly popular. Rock star popular. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, December 01, 2008 Monday, December 01, 2008 Why don’t we do this the easy way? If you haven’t written a memoir, please step forward. Anybody? Somebody? http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, November 24, 2008 Monday, November 24, 2008 People can be sticklers about what time they have Thanksgiving dinner. There are the high-noon purists and the mid- to late-afternoon debonair. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, November 17, 2008 Monday, November 17, 2008 Our three children are grown and not a single one of them has a landline phone. They consider “home phones” pieces of antiquity – like disco and eight-track tapes. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, November 10, 2008 Monday, November 10, 2008 Gadi Lawton had another flare-up of malaria this fall. Malaria is a souvenir he brought back to Indianapolis from Guadalcanal. Most all the leathernecks there during World War II brought it home with them. http://www.loriborgman.com Author: Lori Borgman | Monday, November 03, 2008 Monday, November 03, 2008 You can add "folding clothes" to the growing list of obsessions. Turns out an entire generation that worked retail at Gap, Abercrombie, Old Navy and Banana Republic find the folding habit has been sharply creased into their brains.