Are you a ‘fridge half-empty or half-full sort of person?

The husband noted that the refrigerator was bare again today.

He then noted that I had been awake a lot the night before.

CRXP09 almost empty fridge

He then came close to fulfilling some latent death wish by saying, “Have you ever considered that you might be one of those people who gets up and eats in the night without remembering it?”

I struggled to find a snappy comeback, but snappy is hard to come by when you’ve been awake most of the night.

I do have nights when I am awake a lot. In fact, I have so many that when an older man at church, a happily married man, mentioned that he’d been awake once an hour every hour the night before, I blurted out, “Call me!”

Inappropriate, yes, but we insomniacs are desperate to know we’re not alone.

That said, there is a reason we often have little food in the refrigerator and it is not because I have been grazing my way from the top shelf to the bottom crisper drawer in some state of semi-consciousness.

The refrigerator is often bare because we are in a rarely talked about phase of life that follows the Empty Nest phase of life. It is the “There’s-Nothing-to-Eat” phase of life.

It is a well-known fact that Old Mother Hubbard did not write that ditty about her cupboard being bare until after all her kids had left home.

When our kids were home, there were always three jugs of milk in the fridge, leftover chicken, a pasta something or other, two pizza boxes, fresh vegetables and fruit galore. Today, we open the ‘fridge and often are blinded by the glare of the light bulb.

My primary reason for opening the refrigerator is to check expiration dates and see what has gone bad. The job doesn’t take long when there’s not much in there.

Of course, when the kids, the kids’ spouses and the kids’ kids come over, there is plenty of food. The table will groan under the weight of all the food. And then when we are finished and there are tons of leftovers, I wrap ‘em, pack ‘em, seal ‘em and send it all home with the kids.

“Let me just pack this up for you. It will be perfect for your lunches next week.”

The husband agrees saying, “Take it, take it; it will just go bad here.”

“We insist,” I say. “You look thin. Have you had red meat lately?” If they still resist, we follow them out to the driveway, shove food through cracks in their car windows and wave goodbye.

If I succeed at doing a better job of stocking the ‘fridge for two, or holding onto some leftovers, and a bounty of wonderful things appear, I will most definitely get out of bed at 2 a.m. to eat. Why not? I’ll probably be awake.

Welcome to the lost and floundering

My idea of fun doesn’t include losing my wallet. It disappeared a few weeks ago.

Once we finally gave up the search, I bought a new wallet. It was oddly freeing— a fresh start. When I opened my old wallet you never knew what might fall out—gift cards, car wash coupons, random receipts and, on rare occasions, even money.

Now I can open my new wallet and know precisely what is in it. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No credit card, no driver’s license, no insurance card, no Costco card, no library card, not even a trace of lint.

I notified all the credit card companies and even closed a few accounts permanently. The other credit card companies, the ones I still wanted cards from, promised to send new cards in a few weeks.

My next stop was a new driver’s license. I looked up the requirements for identification, found my passport and birth certificate and headed to the BMV. The wait wasn’t long and the clerk was cheerful. She was sympathetic to the story about my missing wallet. She zipped through the paperwork with amazing speed and said, “That will be $10.50.” I only had four one-dollar bills, so I handed her one of my husband’s credit cards that I had been using.

“I can’t accept this, it doesn’t have your name on it.”

“But it is an account I share with my husband. We both have cards to the same account.”

“Don’t you have any credit cards with your name on them?”

“I have a number of them – they’re in my wallet, the one that’s missing, along with my driver’s license.”

She gave me a look and called the next number.

On the walk out, I thought of the man they made a movie about who was stranded 17 years in the Charles de Gaulle Airport. He had the right paperwork to get in, but he didn’t have the right paperwork to get out.

It was a classic Catch-22, like the first furniture we bought after we were married. We had settled on a table and six chairs from a local furniture store. We wanted to charge it so we could establish credit. The store said they couldn’t extend us credit because we hadn’t established credit.

It’s like applying for a job to get some experience, but nobody wants to hire you because you don’t have experience.

It’s like the people who go around chirping, “You have to spend money to make money.” They never acknowledge that you need money before you can spend money.

I still didn’t have a driver’s license, credit cards or insurance cards, but I had four bucks in my new and much lighter wallet and wasn’t a prisoner in an airport or at the BMV.

And that is the key to happiness—remembering that when it’s bad, it can always be worse.

Words of the Year shy on letters

ISM CROPPEDOnce again, I got it wrong on the Word of the Year. Merriam-Webster announced that the most popular word of the passing year was the suffix “-ism.” Here I was hoping for a prefix, maybe something along the lines of “dis-“ or “mis-.” I even could have been happy with “re-.”

–ism isn’t actually a word you can use in a sentence or even start a sentence with (although I just did), but the Merriam Webster Word of the Year isn’t necessarily a word. Of course not. The Word of the Year is the “word” people most frequently look up at the m-w.com website. The list is quite telling, if not mildly frightening.

The most frequently looked up words included socialism fascism, racism, feminism, communism, capitalism and terrorism. Apparently a lot of people have been sleeping their way through history and philosophy. These are the same people who stumble over those man on the street interviews when asked who is buried in Grant’s Tomb. (Hint: starts with a “G” and ends with a “t.”)

Merriam-Webster selects the Word of the Year by keeping stock market-like charts noting the highs and lows of a word’s popularity. (“Oh no! Look at this, Fred! Fascism is down by 15 today!”)

Also hot on the Merriam-Webster market for 2015 was the word “hypocrite.” Hypocrite spiked when Josh Duggar was revealed to have been involved with Ashley Madison. Other people were looking up “hypocrite” in droves, while I was Googling Ashley Madison to see if it was a children’s clothing line or perhaps a brand of towels and bedding. I was wrong again on both counts, although Ashley Madison was closely linked to bedding but not in the way I had thought.

If you’re still having –isms over a suffix being selected as Word of the Year, you should know that Oxford Dictionaries chose an emoji as Word of the Year. EMOJIAn emoji is a variation of the old yellow happy face with an infinite variety of facial expressions. The winner is a round yellow ball laughing so hard it is crying. It is officially called “Tears of Joy.” Clever, no? Basically, Oxford Dictionaries, in an age of amazing technological, medical and scientific progress, chose the first cousin of a hieroglyphic as Word of the Year.

I like emojis. I consider them a good safety net for when we are all so mind-numbed that we return to communicating by drawing pictures on the walls of caves. It’s always good to have a backup plan. Or an extra –ism or two.

 

 

Grandma, what dark circles you have

You probably already know this, but in case you had any lingering doubts—if you are a woman and someone wants to watch you put on your makeup, say no.

Bunking on the air mattress at our son’s place in Chicago, I got up early, straightened my spine and staggered to the bathroom for my morning routine. After showering and dressing, I cracked open the door to let out some of the steam and was soon joined by a six-year-old watching me put on my face.

“Why are you rubbing that stuff all over your face, Grandma?”

“Well, as you age your skin dries out and can look uneven. This helps fix it. You don’t have dry skin. Your skin is beautiful just like it is.”

dark circles captioned“Oh.”

“It can help wrinkles. You don’t have wrinkles. Do you see mine?”

“Yes! On your forehead! One, two, three. And there’s some on the side of your face, too! One, two—”

“OK, that’s enough.”

“My mom doesn’t rub that on her face.”

“That’s because your mom is young and has beautiful skin.”

“But my other grandma doesn’t rub that on her face.”

“That’s because your other grandma has very good skin, too. She’s the one who gave your mother good skin. Now let’s stop making this grandma feel bad.”

“What are you doing with that pencil, Grandma?”

“Filling in some missing eyebrows.”

“Where did they go?”

“I don’t know. They just went missing.”

“And now you’re using the pencil on your eyelid?”

“Yep.”

“What if you go outside the line?”

“Then it will be time to close the makeup bag.”

“What is that, Grandma? Are you trying to straighten out your eyelashes?”

“No, it’s mascara. It makes your eyelashes look thicker.”

“Are your eyelashes missing, too?”

“Yes, they ran away with parts of my eyebrows.  Didn’t I hear your dad calling you?”

“No he’s still asleep.”

“Too bad.”

“What’s that, Grandma?”

“It’s concealer. It helps cover the dark circles under my eyes.”

“How do you get those?”

“I got the concealer from the drugstore. The dark circles I got from raising children, being married to your grandpa and sleeping on the air mattress.”

“Are you finished?”

“Just about. Every lady needs to put on one more before she’s finished.”

“What’s that?”

“A smile.”

 

Heads up, phone down, left, right, left

It’s official – we’re dumber than we thought. The New York Times recently published a piece on the dangers of distracted walking (walking glued to electronic devices) complete with tips on how to walk.

Yep, it’s that bad. We need instructions on how to walk.

On the bright side, the article did not include instructions on how to stand upright. At least we still know how to do a few things. Sort of.

If Charles Darwin were alive, he might need to update that popular graphic on the evolution of man. Upright man is rapidly returning to crouched positon. It began with Earbud Man (head slightly down) followed by Cell Phone Man

Cell Phone man(head down, shoulders rounded and back hunched). Of course, there are the occasional interruptions in regression demonstrated by Selfie Man, who frequently assumes erect posture with an extended arm, elongated neck and upright head.

Distracted walkers are also known as petextrians, people who text while walking. Petextrians often stumble off curbs, walk headfirst into light poles, fall down stairs, or collide with you and your hot cup of coffee. They are like drivers who text, only without the protection of a large steel casing and airbags.

Petextrians often admit to texting while crossing the street. Anybody who navigates traffic areas on foot, glued to an electronic device, has weak survival instincts. Whenever you intersect the path of a human with the path of a motor vehicle, the odds are overwhelming that it’s not going to end well for the human.

Two of the more famous petextrians include a woman in Alaska who fell off a 12-foot cliff and had to be airlifted to safety before the tide rolled in, as well as the Pennsylvania woman who walked into a mall fountain while glued to her phone.

A man at the gym I go to often winds up on a treadmill only a few treadmills away. He has wonderful headphones that shut out the world. I know, because I have a pair, too. The man’s headphones lead him into such a deep, faux isolation that he often sings along. Loudly. The problem is, it is often hard to tell if he is singing or experiencing acute pain.

There is something captivating about the gadgets that let us create small worlds within the larger world. There is something compelling about the small devices that beep, buzz and chime. We have been conditioned to respond to them and respond quickly, like Pavlov’s dogs.

Unfortunately, unlike Pavlov’s dogs, we do not have eyes on the sides of our heads giving us good peripheral vision, nor are our reflexes as quick. And so we are back to square one, the basics of walking: “Look where you’re going.”

The American Academy of Orthopaedic Surgeons reports that, at any given moment, 60 percent of pedestrians on the streets of America are distracted while walking.

All this petextrian business gives added dimension to the jokes that used to begin, “A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar . . . “

 

 

 

 

Mary and Joseph are coming to town

A young pregnant woman, about to give birth, is refused suitable lodging. We are aghast. We are appalled at the dearth of human kindness.

That is the story we hear each Christmas about Mary and Joseph turned away because there “was no room for them in the inn.”

We wonder why wouldn’t somebody sorry no vacancymake room? Why wouldn’t somebody invite them in to sleep on their floor? We are incensed at the coldness; yet we are those somebodies.

Pollster George Barna once said when most people hear statistics, poll results, or information on behavior patterns, they usually apply the findings to others, not themselves.

We hear a report on the declining civility in American culture, and we think of someone else who has been rude or abrupt or who has behaved like a cad. We tend to give ourselves a pass.

We hear about a woman nine months pregnant forced to give birth in a shelter for animals and we think how self-absorbed those people were. Rarely do we consider that they were probably people just like us.

We could have been those somebodies all those years ago—too busy, too crowded, and too preoccupied. We could be those somebodies even now.

The inn has never been more crowded than it is today. Best wishes prying open the door. The inn is packed with over-scheduled people frantically coming and going, scrambling to host or attend parties, creating playlists, cooking, baking, shopping, wrapping and decorating. So much to do and so little time.

Why, no, we’d never shut out the holy family. We’d never be so preoccupied as to miss the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of Christ. Or would I? Do I?

Truthfully, much of what we do, the many activities and self-imposed requirements for celebrating Christmas, have little to do with the genuine meaning of the holiday. On the one hand, they’re fun and a delight to the senses and create marvelous memories. On the other hand, we grow nearly frantic with each additional activity, raising the water level a little more and a little more until we are struggling to stay afloat.

We recently watched a program about Christmas traditions in Europe. The narrator said the celebrations there are usually understated but elegant. We Americans have never done understated well.

We excel at doing things big. Even Christmas. Especially Christmas.

But perhaps the best way to celebrate Christmas is not to pack the inn quite so full. Leave room for the unexpected, for extending spontaneous hospitality and for a sudden change in plans.

Be the sort of somebody willing to make room. Keep the door open a crack. And in the spirit of advent, keep watch. Wait and watch—in the small snippets of quiet, in the still of the night, the early rays of sunrise, or the twilight of late afternoon—stay alert and you will witness the joy and beauty and mystery of heaven reaching down to earth.

 

‘What Can I Give Him?’

I’ve shared this poem in Christmas talks recently and have had requests to post it. I transcribed this years ago from a poor-quality cassette of a woman reading it at a conference.  Consequently, I may have the author’s name wrong and I may have a few words wrong (my apologies), but you’ll like the big idea.

Christmas starWHAT CAN I GIVE HIM?
Claudia Langin

As I’m thinking of Christmas, the birthday of Christ,
I’m thinking a gift for Him would be nice.
But what can I give to the one who owns all?
Nothing seems fitting; I could buy him the mall.

He owns all the cattle on the hills where they roam,
He owns all the valleys and oceans of foam.
I can’t knit Him a sweater or buy him a doll,
Nothing seems fitting; no nothing at all.

I remember His birthday, when to earth He first came,
And Kings from afar brought gifts in His name.
And the story of the drummer boy who had nothing to bring;
Except for his song to give to his King.

O what can I give him, what can I bring?
To Jesus the Christ child, to Jesus the King.
I’d give Him whatever He’d tell me He’d want,
If He’d give me a list I’d know where to start.

Then He whispered so softly that only I knew,
I could give Him my anger when my thermostat blew.
And how about that bitterness that had slowly crept in,
That had turned my faith sour and revealed my sin.

Or maybe that lie that I told just last week,
When it seemed so much easier than the truth I should speak.
Or maybe the anger that crept in on the way,
While jealousy lingered and pride seemed to stay.

Or maybe those thoughtless words that came out,
And hurt those that are near me or caused them to doubt.
I could give him impatience, hatred and strife,
I could give him my heartaches and troubles of life.

Or how about those motives too evil to share,
Or that depression that seems to come up from nowhere.
I could give him the critical words that I said,
Or the frustrations I felt before the kids went to bed.

Or how about those grudges I’m holding on to,
Or the pressure I feel when there’s so much to do.
Or my lack of forgiveness when others do wrong,
Or my unwillingness to sing when he gives me a song.

“Oh, what can you give me?” I heard in my ear,
“Whatever you’re willing to give me this year.
I need nothing from you, but want all that you are,
Not giftwrapped or fancy, not gifts from afar.

“Are you willing to give up those handcuffs of self,
Or is it easier to hide them up on a shelf?
Packages pretty of red, green and blue,
Are not what I’m asking this Christmas from you.

“Try giving a present to me every day,
The list will be shorter by Christmas that way.
The time is fast fleeting, there’s so much to do,
To be finished by Christmas is up to you.”

I dropped my head slowly and pondered awhile,
Then I prayed help me Jesus and felt his soft smile.
To others I’ll share the gift of my wealth,
But to Jesus this year, I’ll give him myself.

 

Ho, ho, hold that pose!

Today I offer simple rules and basic scare tactics for taking pictures of small children for Christmas cards. I did portrait work for some years, although today I only do portraits for people I am related to—or to whom I am deeply indebted.

The husband and I met while studying photojournalism at the University of Missouri. The story goes that we met in the darkroom to see what would develop. If you got that joke, thanks for laughing. If not, return to your iPhone.

A good rule of thumb for taking pictures of small children is this: for every year old the child is, that is how manymontage3 minutes the child will cooperate.

A second rule of thumb is that for each additional child you add to the picture, reduce the age-to-minutes ratio of cooperation by 80 percent. Or more.

A third rule of thumb (and yes, we are completely out of thumbs) is that you should expect the photo session, at some point, to become a train wreck. There may be tears, scowling, anguish, and wringing of hands— from the adults.

When you work with three or more small children, there is a good chance one child will jab or elbow another child. Physical contact will escalate and you will have to intervene. You will later feel guilty about putting the picture on a card that says “Peace on Earth.”

When you work with four or more small children, there is a good chance at least one of the children will be crying. Take the picture anyway.

When you work with five or more small children, plan on one of them exiting the picture entirely. This is why we have Photoshop.

What to do with uncooperative children? Bribe them – but carefully.

You can give a child an M&M, but never give a crying child an M&M hoping it will pacify the child. The child will gladly eat the M&M, but keep crying, only to have chocolate drool down the child’s face and onto the white shirt. All the other (non-crying) children will be wearing dark shirts, but the kid drooling chocolate will be wearing a white shirt.

If you want an easy and enjoyable experience taking family photographs for your Christmas card, it would be best to take pictures of family members age 95 and older. They usually move slightly slower than small children, are far more patient and may even nap as you change lenses and adjust the lighting.

It may be true that a picture is worth a thousand words, but the thousand words have been heavily edited. We have years of pictures of children, our own and others and now grandchildren, in which the children look calm, peaceful, casually color coordinated and fully cooperative.

For a split second, maybe they really were.

 

 

Kids have ‘wunnerful’ time on family room dance floor

You can still catch Lawrence Welk on Saturday nights. Of course, that’s assuming you want to. He’s on PBS, still leading ladies across the dance floor, tapping the baton with “ah one, ah two, ah three,” and cuing the bubble machine.

My three great aunts, who lived together in a two-story white clapboard house in Lincoln, Nebraska, used to watch “The Lawrence Welk” program religiously. It was like attending the United Church of Lawrence Welk—services lawrence welk ladiesevery Saturday night at 7. The room was hushed, viewers sat quietly and watched with reverence.

Despite regular attendance, I lost interest in Lawrence Welk and we went our separate ways, although I doubt Mr. Welk noticed. Maverick that I was, I found myself more drawn to Ed Sullivan who hosted acrobats spinning plates and a curious rock band from England.

Some years later, after I had married and had become a mother, I heard a familiar “ah one, ah two, ah three” drifting into the kitchen one Saturday night.

Our preschool children were plastered to the television, transfixed by Lawrence Welk and his color-coordinated orchestra. They were mesmerized by the hairdos, hats and costumes, the sets, the singing and the dancing. At least the girls were. Our son wasn’t that interested; he probably had something to dismantle somewhere.

“Back up from the television before those bubbles burst in your face, girls!” They did back up, all the way to the toy chest. They reappeared wearing play high heels, faux fur stoles and dress up clothes. They imitated the dancers on screen. They danced with each other. And they danced with their dad, that night and many Saturday nights to follow.

Eventually they, too, grew older and their tastes change. They lost interest and the Saturday night dances faded into memory.

We hadn’t heard from Lawrence for some time. Then a couple of weeks ago when three of the grands were with us for the weekend, one of the five-year-olds asked if Lawrence Welk would be on.

“Of course,” we chimed, as though he was part of our weekend routine.

They stared with big eyes at puffy hair styles, bright costumes and a beautiful brunette singing out her heart in Spanish. They danced with each other and danced with Grandpa. The numbers that seemed dated to us were fresh to them. The warmth and affection of the performers appealed to the girls as much as the gowns and the gloves.

And then a baritone crooner sang, “Somebody Stole My Gal.”

Somebody stole his gal!
Somebody stole his gal!

“What’s a gal?” a small voice asked.

“It’s like a girlfriend.”

“Somebody stole his girlfriend?” another asked with concern.

“It sounds like it.”

The three of them stood wide eyed in disbelief. There was palpable concern; it was an unanticipated ripple.

The next number began and the camera zoomed in on a woman playing trumpet.

“Is that a gal?” the 3-year-old asked

“Yep.”

“Maybe she’s the one he’s looking for!”

Problem solved. Cue the bubble machine. Adios, au revoir, auf weidersehn.

 

 

 

 

Why you probably can’t measure up to the dress

A website I was browsing offered a helpful feature for online shoppers—the  model’s height and the size of the dress she was wearing.

I was looking at a particular dress, wondering if it might be doable, if it might be forgiving in all the right places, if maybe I could actually wear it, when I noticed small print saying the model wearing the dress was 5’10” and wears a size 2.measuring tape this one

And another dream dies.

Knowing the model’s height and dress size unravels one of the great mysteries of the universe—why a dress never looks as good on most of us as it does on a model. Or on the hanger for that matter.

Statistically, the odds are far greater that you are closer to 5’2” and a size 10 than you are closer to 5’10” and a size 2. Same numbers, just a slightly different order.

Honestly, I wouldn’t even mind if they included a little asterisk beside the model’s stats that said, “If you’re not 5”10” and/or a size 2, and you regularly eat solid food, this dress will not look the same on you. Not even close. Not ever. Not even if we undo the chip clips.”

Have you seen the chip clips? They may be the ultimate fusion of food and fashion.

If you’ve glanced at the back of a store mannequin lately, you may have noticed the excess yardage of the clothing pulled to the back and gathered in what looks to be a chip clip. I saw one recently with a clip just like the one we put on the bag of tortilla chips. Or is it the Flaming Cheetos? Some people use chip clips to store chips, others use them to make their clothes fit. You’re either in one camp or the other.

The dress site that gave the model’s height and dress size also gave measurements for her bust, waist and hips. She was 34, 24, 34. She being the one whose lips have not tasted a medium rare steak in years, nor known the comfort of pie. It was like a flashback to the old Miss America pageants, where the host would announce the contestant’s name, the state she was representing, her height, weight, bust, waist and hip measurements in a warm and congenial tone, like it was the way everyone introduced themselves to strangers.

My first literary agent said that when she hit 50, she weighed exactly the same that she did when she was 20. It just all shifted.

There might have been a day I wished I had to use a chip clip on the back of a dress, but now I am glad to have them where they belong – on the chips. I’m also glad to know why the dress will never look the same on me as it does on the model.