Nitwits’ rules for name-calling
Lori Borgman | Monday, Jan 18, 2010
Since the President’s State of the Union Address is around the corner, this
is a good time to go over the rules on name calling.
The last time President Obama addressed a joint session of Congress, Rep. Joe
Wilson yelled at the President, “You lie!” And then Joe’s mother marched onto
the floor of the House, grabbed Joe by the back of his collar and dragged him to
his room.
Not really, but on behalf of mothers everywhere, I felt obliged to write that
in case any children need to be reminded that actions have consequences.
What did happen was that Wilson created a sensational scandal along the lines
of the Watergate scandal, the Intern With the Blue Dress On scandal and the Tea
Pot Dome scandal. It may even have been on a par with the Tiger Woods scandal, a
scandal in which Tiger’s wife yelled the exact same words – “You lie!” -- before
grabbing a golf club and going after Tiger’s head.
Let us be clear, Rep. Wilson did not have access to golf clubs.
As the economy continued to collapse and the war in Afghanistan worsened, key
members of Congress did the only responsible thing – they waltzed over to the
bookshelf, dusted off the House Rules and Manual and flipped to Section 370,
where it states that a Member cannot call the President a liar.
So there. Take that, Rep. Wilson. And they all let out a collective “Hmmpf!”
Apparently there is also a rule requiring the use of a capital M in Members
when referring to themselves so as not to forget how important they are.
The rules also state that a Member cannot call the President a “hypocrite” or
describe the President’s veto of a bill as “cowardly.”
The rules do allow for some criticism. Section 370 states that Members are
allowed to refer to the government as “something hated, something oppressive”
and to refer to a Presidential message as a “disgrace to the country.”
Best of all, and you can look this up for yourself, the rules state that
Members may refer to unnamed officials as “our half-baked nitwits handling
foreign affairs.”
You have to wonder about the discussion that preceded the rule.
“What do you say we make it permissible to call each other knuckleheads?”
“No, that sounds too much like the Three Stooges.”
“How about buffoons?”
“Naw, sounds like someone who hangs at bars. Hey, where’s Ted?”
“How about half-baked nitwits handling foreign affairs?”
“Yes!” they all cheered. And another day’s work at taxpayer expense was
brought to a close.
And yet, so many unanswered questions remain: Did half-baked nitwits have
bi-partisan support? Why did they choose nitwits over dimwits? What did it cost
to get Nebraska on board?
So, Members or not, for the sake of civility, let’s all remember the rules
out there -- no calling people liars or hypocrites. And we know this is a good
rule to live by, because it comes from our half-baked nitwits handling foreign
affairs.
