O Canada, please take your geese back

Let me make three things clear: I like birds, I like Canada and I like Canadians. That said, would you Canadians please take your Canada geese back?

I don’t want to cause an international incident—goodness knows Canada might be the only country we’re not at odds with right now—but the geese have to go.

Yes, yes, I know Canada geese are at home roaming red, white and blue turf and they are federally protected here in the U.S., but Canada is part of their name. Obviously, they hold a deep and abiding allegiance to Canada. Being that you Canadians have a reputation for niceness, I’m sure you will welcome them back with open ponds.

Canada geese have taken over parks, ponds, golf courses, shorelines, subdivisions and airports. I hate to say this, Canada, but we might need a wall. Maybe even a fence—a really, really high fence.

Oh, let’s cut to the chase. They identify with you, so take them.

They’re nesting again. Nesting is completely natural for geese; what is completely unnatural is that Canada geese are shopaholics. They nest in every planting bed and small green space bordering every strip mall. This means that to get to a store you have outrun a gaggle of aggressive, territorial, giant Canada geese in attack mode. They’re large, they’re loud, they have extremely disgusting tongues and they’re intimidating. They own the west entrance to Macy’s as well as every grocery store parking lot on this side of the city.

I’ve given up on new shoes, but we need milk and eggs.

And then there are the sidewalks. I took some of the grandkids for a walk and we had to play a little game called “Don’t Step on the Droppings.”

“Step over or between them, girls. That’s it, you’ve got it! Oh, NOOOO!!!”

Walk on the grass, you say. Impossible. The grass is slick with droppings. Walk on a grassy incline and you will slide downhill. It’s like skiing in spring without the benefit of snow or slopes.

Here’s a fun fact from National Geographic: “Just 50 geese can produce two and a half tons of excrement in a year.” Why is that not a surprise? Walk a mile in my shoes. Make that rubber boots.

Canada geese used to be a novelty—pretty birds flying in a V-formation that you’d catch a glimpse of now and then. Now you see them all the time, marauding about on land in large, boisterous groups taunting vehicles and pedestrians.

Today’s Canada geese have attitude and it’s because they’ve been away from Canada too long. Everybody knows Canada doesn’t do attitude. It’s illegal. Take them back, Canada; make them maple syrup sweet.

Please. Do it for world peace.

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