Now leading the Kale Rebellion

I have a rebellious streak. I admit it. Recently my rebellious streak has been focused on kale. I’m sick of hearing about kale. Kale soup, kale salad, kale smoothies, roasted kale, steamed kale.

Kale Jell-O. Kale Pop-Tarts. OK, there’s no kale Jell-O or Pop-Tarts, but there probably will be. Everywhere you look someone is touting kale.

Kale pushers, that’s what they are. They’ll be forming gangs before long, wearing leather jackets with Whole Foods’ insignia emblazoned on the back, wheeling about on bicycles, forcing kale on virtual strangers. Children even.

I have a friend who pushes kale chips. I played along for a while, but now I’m here to say that kale chips are revolting looking. Kale chips looks like deep sea creatures that washed ashore, lay on the beach under the sun for 30 years and then were run over by a conga line of ATVs. Nonetheless, my friend insisted they were wonderful and that I would love them. So I ate one. It was edible the same way paper is edible. You put enough olive oil and salt on anything and it will be edible. Even my shoes. Here, have a slice of shoe. You’ll like it. It may not be much to look at, but it’s good for you.

This is what parents do to kids every night at dinner. I’m not a kid anymore. If I don’t want to eat kale, I don’t have to eat kale.

Frankly, I find kale to be self-righteous. Kale is a vegetable with an attitude. Any vegetable that’s supposed to prevent cancer, lower cholesterol, pump you full of vitamins, whiten your teeth, firm your flabby arms and eliminate your double chin is bound to have a big ego hard to squeeze through the door.

Yet the entire country is wild about kale. Two days after the historic blizzard that fizzled, New Yorkers were all atwitter – literally. Seems the Big Apple ran out of kale. That’s right, people who went to health food stores prepped for what was being billed as an epic blizzard by stocking up on kale. It was kale-pocalypse. One New Yorker tweeted that he was praying for a UN drop of kale. He was joking—I think.

People promote kale like a religion. They believe in the right to life, liberty and the promotion of kale. I am loathe to say it, but a lot of people promoting kale as the ultimate health food don’t appear to be all that healthy themselves. I know it’s winter and the sun’s not out, but for heaven’s sake people, get some meat on those bones. I say this as someone who hails from a long line of carnivores. Yes, eat some meat. Have some corn, too. A few carbs won’t kill you. See? Kale lovers aren’t the only ones who can push food.

I’m not against all greens, just those that haven’t been seasoned with a little bacon grease.

Out of my face, kale. I don’t mind you being in my ‘fridge once in a while, but get out of my face.

Comments

comments