A woman who had returned from a lengthy stay in Europe marched up to me and demanded to know why Americans Wrinkled Pugdon’t have any commercials with women who have wrinkles.
“Wrinkles are illegal,” I said, “punishable by a brown paper bag over your head in all 50 states.”
I wondered why she asked me the question. Maybe she thought I might be interested in doing commercials in Europe soon.
When I did an interview with a cable news program they asked if it would be OK if they sent a makeup artist to the studio. “Sure,” I said. “A plastic surgeon would be even better, but a makeup artist will do.”
Why are we like this? Because we are not Europe.
Wrinkles are anathema to American women and, increasingly, to American men. Well, at least to Bruce Jenner.
Women of all ages try some very strange things to slow the hands of time.
Take the scrub cleanser. Scrub cleansers have little particles like sand in them that are supposed to smooth your skin. Think coarse sandpaper on old wood. The scrubs with granules are hard to rinse. I’ve found sand-like particles under my contact lens, clinging to the bottom of my chin and even one stuck between my teeth. You shouldn’t need a toothpick after you wash your face.
Still other washes promise to open up your pores and deflake your skin. I checked the instructions on that one to see if you had to vacuum afterward.
Then there is the retinol eye mask. It is two crescent-shaped pads soaked with a solution that will puff up deep creases around the eyes. I put the pads under my eyes and caught sight of myself in a mirror. I looked like the missing link between raccoons and upright humans.
The cucumber gel for eyelids was a free sample. It had to be kept in the refrigerator. It was a beautiful avocado green and looked very appetizing. Don’t store it next to your salad dressings. Just trust me on this one.
A high-end spa in New York City will give you a bird doo-doo facial for $180. You read that right. The Geisha Facial mixes dried Asian nightingale droppings with rice bran, which is then painted on your face. Don’t get any ideas about trying this at home with whatever you can scrape off the bird feeder. It can’t be any old bird doo-doo, it has to be Asian nightingale doo-doo because they live on seeds that produce a natural enzyme that softens the skin.
Who in the world is the person who discovered bird poo on your face will make your skin softer? It was probably a relative of the person who discovered the mud mask.
A fellow writer was reflecting on an upcoming milestone birthday and the wrinkles on her face. She was feeling low, so she bought herself an azalea. She is 39 turning 40.
I have a milestone birthday coming up in a few years. If it takes an azalea to appease 40, I‘ll need to buy an entire hedge row.